


mistake // my body is not my own

by UnidentifiedFroggy



Series: short things [1]
Category: Adventure Time
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Angst, Child Abuse, Child Neglect, Depression, F/F, Self-Harm, Suicide, Trans Female Character, Transphobia, Unhappy Ending
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-03
Updated: 2020-11-03
Packaged: 2021-03-08 23:48:43
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,285
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27375220
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/UnidentifiedFroggy/pseuds/UnidentifiedFroggy
Summary: 2000 words of me projecting trans angst onto fictional characters
Relationships: Princess Bubblegum/Marceline
Series: short things [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1999693
Comments: 2
Kudos: 22





	mistake // my body is not my own

Bonnibel Bubblegum was, for all intents and purposes, a mistake (in so many ways). Her parents met on the night she was conceived. Her father vanished the following morning, leaving nothing behind but a pair of spectacles forgotten on the cabinet. Anastasia Bubblegum was a proud woman. A bastard child, born to a sleazy man in a sleazy bar on a night of sadness and regret, was a shame she could not stand. She loathed the infant child. Three months after she gave birth, her brother Gumbald found her dead in the bathroom, overdosed on heroin, her infant ~~son~~ daughter wrapped in a bloody blanket in the bathroom sink. Bubblegum Industries collapsed soon afterward, and the child was adopted by ~~his~~ her aunt and uncle.

Bonnie’s childhood was uneventful, if slightly miserable, but her teenage years were like hell on Earth. She first realised she was not who everyone said she was shortly before she turned fourteen. Thirteen year old Bonnibel Bubblegum did not have friends. She did not have people to talk to. She had her phone and her books and her pet rat. It’s name was Science and her uncle hated it, so she loved it even more. Uncle Gumbald hated a lot of things - Bonnibel, her mother, her rat, her appearance, pretty much everything. But there was one thing Gumbald hated most of all, and Bonnibel was about to find out.

On her fourteenth birthday, (oh so naive) Bonnibel Bubblegum came out to her aunt and uncle in a flurry of words, spoken so fast to the point that it was barely comprehensible. The tension in the air was so thick you could cut it with a knife but the look in Gumbald’s eyes told Bonnie that he wanted to use a knife on her instead. She gulped as his thoughts danced across his face. His expression twisted from shock, to terror, to a grimace that struck fear into Bonnibel’s heart. He didn’t say anything. Her aunt clasped his hand tightly, her fingers nearly white. Bonnie wanted to scream but held it in and disappeared into her sorry excuse of a room.

She’s managed to avoid her uncle’s hateful, bitter gaze that told her all she needed to ever hear from him, and the mix between pity and disgust that plays across her aunt’s face every time she comes remotely near for six days now, but Bonnie knows that the brief moment of harmony and individuality that she’s been lucky to enjoy must come to an end sooner or later. It’s just not sustainable - Bonnie knows enough about human psychology to figure out that Gumbald is going to confront her about it sooner or later, and she’s not looking forward to when he does. However, she’s completely unable to predict what he does next.

Needless to say, it’s a traumatic experience to have your uncle lock you in the basement for two and a half weeks straight. Eventually she’s reported as missing and when the police show up Gumbald is promptly arrested. Bonnibel is ridiculously thin and she’d laugh if she could move. Her aunt is an accomplice and Bonnie is by herself. By the time the court case is over and done she’s fifteen and a half already and she manages to find a home with a kindly old lady who lets Bonnie do her own thing while she watches soap operas and plays bingo.

Bonnibel Bubblegum first meets Marceline Abadeer when she’s four days off being sixteen. The other girl is sixteen and a half, and she's new in town. Her hair is long and silky, black locks going down to her waist. She's perfect and Bonnie has never been so sure she's a flaming gay in her life. By this point Bonnie has socially transitioned but she's still not the girl she wants to be. School isn't fun and assholes will be assholes. She hates her body. The mere thought of it makes her miserable. But that all disappears when she's with Marceline. Bonnie doesn't know what it is but simply the company of the other girl makes her heart flutter and it seems like everything might work out in her shitty excuse for a life.

Bonnibel is used to being invisible. Back of the class, head buried in a book. She's heard the philosophical question "if a tree falls in a forest and nobody hears it, does it make any sound" and she wonders if the same applies to people. Despite her being a star student, even the teachers tend to ignore her. The only class where she tries to participate is Mr. Petrikov's Science class, but even then she prefers to stick to herself. Bonnie doesn't exactly mind being a loner - it's what she's used to, she's been independent her entire life (and plans to be for the rest of it). She ain't relying on nobody else. Yet, there's still a little nagging feeling in her gut that makes her wish she had social contact - friends other than her fellow members of the debate team.

In stark contrast, turns out Marceline is amazing at making friends, because by the time Bonnie first meets the pale beautiful enigma she's been in Ooo for three days and already befriended Finn and Jake Mertens, two brothers who are notorious for their antics - Bonnie's pretty sure the only reason they haven't got expelled by now is the soft spot the usually icy Mr. Petrikov has for them. They did get suspended once, when a prank gone wrong burnt down the bus shelter. Finn and Jake aren't popular per say, but everyone knows them and nobody hates them. They're still misfits though, and Bonnie is almost amazed they haven't tried to recruit her into their little gang yet. However Bonnie is friends with Marcy and Marceline inevitably forces the pink haired girl to come hang out with Finn and Jake.

It's surprisingly pleasant, much more enjoyable than Bonnie would expect hanging out with the two biggest troublemakers in the school would be. She finally meets the rumour-ridden Phoebe Flair, the girl who everyone says is a psychotic pyromaniac that's tried to burn down the school at least twice - turns out she's an aspiring politician with a talent for music, who only accidentally started a fire, and also meets Beemo, a nonbinary computer scientist slash IT guy in training who makes games in his spare time. It's a lot of fun, improved by the fact that Marceline is there and holy shit Bonnie is very lesbian. She mentally justities it because she's sixteen and she's just starting to be attracted to people, and she isn't completely in love with Marceline or anything.

(She's completely in love with Marceline)

The year flies past and Bonnie becomes more and more a part of Finn and Jake's little gang and more importantly Marceline. Yeah, her reputation goes from "Who?" to "Oh, she must be a nutcase", but she feels healthy. She feels happy. And for the first time in her life she almost feels comfortable in her own skin. It's an honest to god unusual feeling, not hating her own body. Ever since she realised she was a girl, she had been trapped in what seemed to be a perpetual state of misery and angst - her body was a prison and she was it's only inmate. But when she was with Marceline, Bonnie felt like she could maybe, someday, wriggle through the bars and finally be free. And to Bonnibel Bubblegum, that's pretty much euphoria. And to top it all off, when Marceline kisses her on a quiet Friday night and Bonnie almost faints, things are better than they've ever been.

But all good things must come to an end, and two and a half years after she first meets Marceline Abadeer, Bonnibel Bubblegum leaves. School ended a month or two ago and it's finally time to depart for college. It's a tearful goodbye and Bonnie dreads it for weeks on end, not wanting to leave her love behind, her friends, her life, but it has to happen. She leaves the next day, hopping in her minivan and driving the long distance to California. Luckily she's got a fair bit of cash, having inherited her mother's fortune (she's surprised - she would've expected her mother to give her nothing). The drive to San Francisco is long and uneventful and Bonnie already misses Marceline and Finn and Jake and all her crazy friends and it's fucking miserable. Bonnie cries the night she arrives in California. She stares into the mirror and looks herself up and down and god does she feel like shit. She's fat and ugly and she looks like a fucking boy and she hates it. Bonnie breaks the mirror and cries.

Things are no better at school, with jackass college kids giving her uncomfortable side eyes and malicious glances. She tries to tell herself she's imagining it, that it's all in her head, all an illusion, but she can't bring herself to believe what can't possibly be the truth. She hates Marceline for not stopping her from leaving and she hates herself for leaving. Bonnibel Bubblegum is not in a good state of mind, that's for sure. She feels like a walking talking mistake, a lab error that just won't die, a bug in the code that's somehow managed to dodge a patch. She feels incorrect and while she isn't invisible she finds herself wishing she was every day of her life. She wonders if things would be better if she was never alive, if she had never existed. One day she is shoved to the ground in the campus hallways and called a slur she doesn't dare repeat. That night Bonnie cuts her wrists for the first time.

She knows it's wrong and it's bad for her but she does it anyways and it becomes some sort of an addiction. She can't help herself and she tells herself that it's not like it matters because there's nobody that cares for her. Bonnie begins to spiral and she can't help it. Her grades drop, something that Bonnibel Bubblegum of one year ago would loathe but the Bonnibel Bubblegum of the present can't bring herself to care. Pain is a drug and it's the only thing keeping her going. The days of snide remarks and sideways glances are gone - Bonnie is invisible once more. Nobody pays attention to her anymore, in her oversized sweaters that cover up her wrists and her once pink hair that she hasn't redyed in months. She's not even sure anyone from her old life would recognise her. It's been a year or two since she left Ooo (she hasn't been keeping track, all the days just blend into each other), and Bonnibel Bubblegum doesn't have any hope left for life. She doesn't have any joy left. All she has is her fat ugly disgusting body that she hates and the neat rows of scars on her wrists.

It's a miserable life but Bonnie doesn't know any other emotions any more. She stops attending class. She hasn't picked up her phone in weeks. Deep down she hopes that someone will find her, help her, but she's smart enough to know that she's burned too many bridges for that to happen. Bonnibel Bubblegum doesn't know when she first thinks of suicide but she does know that she can't stop thinking about it. It's like she's got a little demon and an angel on her shoulder except they're both assholes and they both hate her. One is sitting there telling her that she's too much of a coward to ever do it, that she's not got the balls to do it. The other is telling her that there's nothing to be scared of, nobody to disappoint, because nobody cares about her anyways. Eventually, one side wins out over the other.

-

When Marceline Abadeer finds herself in San Francisco, visiting with her band, she realises that this is where her ex lives. They haven't spoken in over a year but Marceline misses Bonnie. Yeah, she's kinda pissed, but she can't bring herself to stay mad at the pink haired nerd that is Bonnibel Bubblegum. So, with the address still bookmarked from when she still kept in contact with the other girl, Marceline rocks up at her apartment and knocks. The door is unlocked, which is unlike Bonnie, but Marceline figures she's relaxed a bit. She doesn't really want to admit it to herself, but a small part of her still loves Bonnie, still wants to be with her, even after so long. She kind of hates that she does, but she can't help it. She slowly pushes the door open and walks inside. Marceline calls out the other girl's name, but there's no response. She peeks inside the living room and comes face to face with something no one should ever have to see.

The ex-love of her life and former object of her objections hangs from the ceiling, a rope around her neck, crushing her windpipe. Her once pink hair is back to it’s natural brown, choppily cut and ragged. She wears a sweater at least three sizes too big and her wrists hold an intricate network of little bitty scars. It’s terrifying and Marceline is surprised she doesn’t throw up there and then. It takes her a couple seconds to sink in that this isn’t some grotesque nightmare - this is real. She’s not going to wake up and this will all go away. The corpse dangling in front of her isn’t some illusion conjured up by her fractured psyche.

Bonnibel Bubblegum is gone, and this time there’s no chance of her coming back.

**Author's Note:**

> I'll write something happy eventually, I'm sure


End file.
